Archive for April 14th, 2008
it’s obvious that youre not talking to me. giving me the silent treatment, cooling off the fire, whatever you call it. it’s eating me up inside.
obviously, we’re drifting apart due to my continuous trauma of being here and your growing ego.
i realize my predicament, but you are too blind in your i-think-im-everything bubble that has been surrounding you ever since this semester started.
yes i know you are busy, yes i know you have three clubs running, yes i know that programming is very hard, yes i know you have late nights too, yes i know your health problem is getting worse and yes i know you are very busy with assignments.
yes i know that you also eat irregularly and yes i know that everyone turn to you for help and yes i know that IF i TURN to YOU, i will get all your anger and they will get your attention.
i have no fudging clue on how a small chat of discussing about a subject could turn into me. WAIT. YOU DID IT. you just had to freaking start with that …but chira you are also.. LINE.. RIGHT??!!
you just had to provoke me with all my weakness shoved into my face and be all advisor like and stuffs.
you say you are always there for me. when you were down, i was there. i was always by your side. i defended you when you were attacked, i nursed you when you were sick, i entertained you when you were down, i hated the person you hated, i helped you fixed things when you were at a dead end.
i was there to help you vent your anger. i was there when you had family problems. i supported you when you entered activities. i was there to help you whenever you needed me.
now as i type this, im wondering, was i a stupid fool just for you?
when i needed you to hear me out, you turn me away. when i wanted a friendly chat, you say you are busy with assignments. when i say that i am tired and busy, you say you have 3 clubs. when i say im hungry and let’s eat, you say youve no time. when i say i wanna go for a walk, you say youre tired. when you promised me walks after an event, you say youre tired and break me down. when you ask me how i am, and i replied im fine, you just let it go at first try.
dont you know you need to ask me a few more times to break me?
have you forgotten it in the 1st 6 months we’re together?
when you say to always hold on to words, you break yours and act as if it’s an act of an innocent child, when i cant live up to mine, you give me a lecture. when i try to tell you something, you use all back against me. when i refuse to listen, you tell me things that hurt me so deep.
when i start getting all emotional, you just break me down more and more and then you just leave.
i listened to ALL your problems, why do you turn away from mine?
when i act all silent, why do you leave me alone when you know i want your attention?
why dont you give me your attention when i devoted my time and attention to you?
why dont you just be with me and not contradict me in front of other people?
why must you always make me look bad in front of all MY friends?
why must you hurt me so badly when you expect me to treat you like a goddess?
you know what hurts the most?
when you say that youre tired of me when i never gave up on you and is never sick of you and you know that i had it worse.
your temper, your attitude, your personality, oh my darling dear, it takes a very tolerable person like me to handle you. what you did to other people cant compare to what i went thru with your mood swings.
you think youre doing the right thing but dont you ever see that it’s all wrong? you say you care, you say ‘yes chira if there’s anything, im always here’, you say that you understand.
but are they all lies?
what are we?
who am i?
just tell me, in your life, among your ever busy schedule, your swarming work, your other troublemaker friends, just tell me, who the fugde am i in your life?
if you say that i am very dear and important to you, then, what do you take me for?
you say you can see what is going on between me and other people. but, cant you see what is going on between us?
you say that youre worried, but you dont act like one. you ditch me to be with other people. you just imagine, you left me all by myself, all by myfreakingself, when you clearly, CLEARLY, know that i was going through a rough time. and what did you do?
skip off to some random wh0re and left me walking to myself.
what did i freaking do when YOU were down?
i ditched my own friends just to be with you.
when i slipped away to walk on my own to the other part of the campus, you know that i am very afraid of the dark. did you come chasing after me? did YOU ditch YOUR fudging cliques to find me? did you flood my phone with endless smses or calls? did you flood the phone of the people who knew me with smses and calls? did you even wonder? did you even notice?
if you went missing, honey, id send a search party to find you and call you non stop and all your friends and your roomate like how i did a couple of times. and not bring it up. THAT is worry.
sweetie, you don’t worry about me.
you just dont give a flying fudge about me.
how can you be so egoistical? how can you be so ignorant? how can you be so different?
what happened to the old you?
you say you have problems. you made me understand. you made it known to me. i know, i understood. but when it was my turn, is maths or programming assignment more important than me?
generally, i know that your studies mean the world to you. i know that being here means the world to you. but if i dont mean the world to you, dont say or act like you fudging worship me.
when you say that you’re worried, dont nag about what you did or tell me your slices of mind coz i dont wanna know. why can the freak you become a listener and help me? why must you always act like youre some huge kickass popstar?
youre not britney spears. youre just a utp student.
you said so many things that werent meant to be said. i just wished you realized it. if i say that im done and finish crying over you or tired or listening to you or fed up of being there for you when you treat me like shite or done fretting over you or quitting to worry about you or not letting you getting me all stressed up or making me sick and down..
just to tell you, when you ask me whether im ok, im NOT okay. i just wished you asked me a couple more so that i will break my barrier to tell you what is bothering me.
when you say you worry, i want you to shut the traphole up and listen to me without coming up with solutions and advices. when i say i hate something, i want you to b!tch about it with me and not go against me.
when im in a bad mood, i want you to cheer me up coz i get over something very quickly, like how quick i got over not getting the super cool knitted pink sweater and thick pink robe in singapore when i went shopping with my daddy’s cash.
when i say im hungry, i want you to quit your work just for a while and accompany me to buy food.
when i tell you to come to my room when i went through so much to show you something youve been wanting to see, i want you to come and spend 5 minutes with me. not turn me down and say youve work coz i know youve work that’s y i said that thing is max 5 mins.
when i want to tell you about my day, i want you to stop doing your work and listen to me for 10 minutes.
when i treat you very nicely, and care for you the way i always do, i want you to learn those ways so you can use it on me and all your other friends so that people will like you more.
call me stupid or foolish, but you really do mean the world to me.
im only human. and im at my weakest now. no one but you can make me perish once and for all.
youre the closest to me. you are a weapon.
like my dad said, your best friend can break you very easily. like iylie said, when you get very close, you will easily get shot.
im done crying for now.
i hope that things will get better, if not, back to where they were in the first place.
when it comes to friends…:
-if they do not know how good you are, then they r not ur friends.
-people who are your friends are people who are willing to change for you, especially when they know that they’re hurting you.
-if we want people to listen to us, we have to listen to others.
-fight fire with fire. and when the fire died down, fight water with water.
-fight as hard as them but also be as soft as them, never lose to them but never step into them.
-be strict but also be fair to them.
-dont get too attached if you’re afraid to get hurt. when you get too close, you’ll easily be shot.
-if they really hurt you, then youre better off not having them.
-do what you can to save the friendship, but if it’s killing you, don’t bother.
-never ever suffocate yourself for a friend who wont do that for you. not all friends are worth suffering for.
ChiRa asked: sometimes i wonder, who am i in ___’s eyes?
Iylie: if she were a good friend, you would know the answer and need not wonder.
you rock ily.
(pls note that iylie, iylia and iyl all dots down to one person..)